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new real thoughts

from saturday to monday , tuesday through saturday ,and now into sunday my understanding of things has been evolving into something i couldn't ever have imagined. yesterday something that would have (in the past) caused me to get angry , frustrated , sad , confused and in general freak out .. gave me an opportunity to again stop ... focus ,and take in the situation ... not everyone can see these changes that I'm feeling, and it can scare them. i know first hand, it can be scary to see, hear , feel , someone not acting like themselves. i mean they only know the person that you've shown them right ... i guess what I'm saying is , don't cry wolf ... try try try try..... ya know, don't do that . someday there will be a real change and when you want to share it with people they'll be gone! You cant sit there and get frustrated with them. You can't get frustrated with yourself , you can just listen to what's happening. accept it . and make sure you do it right . continue on your path seeking out whatever it is you're looking for , for a long long time i thought that i had found everything i was looking , i know now i was wrong , yes i found one thing i was looking for. I convinced myself that it was all i needed ! in the process hiding real feelings, emotions, fears that i still needed to understand. I buried them so deep that even when i looked for them, i couldn't see anything but pain and hurt . i felt the tack , my itchy back , my heavy shoulders , i saw the wall but didnt have any tools to break it down.. and i couldn't get clear enough to do anything about them. id get frustrated and mad at myself. I'd get depressed and push that feeling in the direction of someone who was there to help me, someone who made me the happiest i've ever been, i made them feel just like me ... and id do all these things over and over and over ..........

this has been my road for far too long,

today things are clearer i can see down the road , there is still some haze in the distance but it i want to walk into it , clear it out and see what's around that corner over those mountains, in those trees .

you are right sahara ;
you are right , sahara . there are no mists , or veils , or distances . but the mist is surrounded by a mist ; and the veil is hidden behind a veil ; and the distance continually draws away from the distance . that is why there are no mists , or veils , or distances. that is why it is called the great distance of mist and veils , it is here that the traveller becomes the wanderer , the wanderer becomes the the one who is lost , and the one who is lost becomes the seeker , and the seeker becomes the passionate lover , and the passionate lover becomes the beggar , and the beggar becomes the wretch , and the wretch becomes the one who must be sacrificed . and the one who must be sacrificed becomes the resurrected one , and the resurrected one becomes the the one who has transcended the great distance of mist and veils . then for a thousand years . or the rest of the afternoon, such a one spins in the blazing fire of changes . embodying all the transformations , one after the other , and then beginning again , and then ending again , 86, 000 times a second . then such a one , if he is a man , is ready to love the woman sahara; and such a one , if she is a woman , is ready to love the man who can put into song the great distance of mist and veils . is it you who is waiting , sahara , or is it me ?

: poem by leonard cohen

where are you in that poem ? for me. I've been all of them , right now im seeking , right now I'm lost . Right now I am the one who MUST be sacrificed , but i am resurrected. and ready to wander down my road again .......
I don't know what my future has in store for me! but im making a commitment. A commitment to myself for the first time in my life, for the rest of my life, to be honest with myself .

thanks for listening , its important for me that i write this down , get this out . show everyone who i am . support comes from the most unlikely places. and i feel better sharing this with everyone .